Groomed
To groom
The term to groom is said to mean as a noun, "A man who is about to be married or has recently been married." But as a verb is "To care for the appearance of; to make neat and trim.... To clean and brush ... To remove dirt and parasites... To prepare, as for a specific position or purpose..."
The term Grooming has come to mean "the predatory act of maneuvering another individual into a position that makes them more isolated, dependent, likely to trust, and more vulnerable to abusive behavior."
"The rules are simple: they lie to us, we know they're lying, they know we know they're lying, but they keep lying to us, and we keep pretending to believe them." Elena Gorokhova, A Mountain.
To be groomed
The term grooming can commonly be associated with predators who groom young children to engage in heterosexual or homosexual behavior. In that sense, Grooming is the predatory act of maneuvering an individual or group into a position that makes them more isolated, dependent, with an unwarranted trust, and more vulnerable to abusive practices and accepting behavior that may be self destructive by their nature.
Of course, adults or even whole nations may be groomed to produce a desired way of thinking and behavior that alters their societal culture, political policies, and historical fate.
There are at least six steps or signs commonly associated with grooming.
1. Finding a victim. Someone vulnerable to suggestion, insecure. 2. Gain trust. Offer since of security and or justification. 3. Grant a benefit. Relieve any emotional or physical pain by bolstering pride. 4. Isolate the victim. Inserting identity blocking alternative viewpoints with fear, anger, and guilt. 5. Consummating the relationship. Get the victim to act and behave in a way contrary to their natural conscience. 6. Maintain the relationship and power. Return to the process renewing the trauma with justification fear and pride.
Vulnerable Victim
What makes one person or a people more vulnerable to suggestion and control?
“Man is not what he thinks he is, he is what he hides.”
Like hypnosis people who find it difficult to engage socially with others seem to be better than average at hypnotizing themselves but it is the Extroverts who are generally more suggestible, and typically make better subjects on stage.
People who are insecure about themselves or have low self esteem are more vulnerable to people desire to groom them. Self confidence comes from positive experiences. If you accomplish something for yourself or others that since of achievement can nurture confidence. Overcoming conflicts, even very small ones prepares you to face the world.
"Find yourself" was a mantra of the sixties and seventies. To find yourself you need to see yourself. The more you learn to see the truth about yourself the better equipped you will be to engage with others.
Social Engagement is the process of communicating which is opening or exposing to others who you are and what you think. If you are not use to self examination you may fear exposure of your faults. Fear of rejection or fear of humiliation or abuse is the fear of emotional pain and can make you more suggestible to a groomer.
"Life is pain, highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something." William Goldman - Princess Bride
If we do not make peace with the pain that comes to us in life and embrace it, forgive it, we will hide from it and lock it away in the dark recesses of our mind. This makes us more vulnerable to those who can see or detect those hidden secrets. The denial of the truth is a denial of the light in our own soul. That denial becomes a habitation of darkness, a dwelling place which we dare not enter. Parts of our own mind becomes a house of fear.
If the individual will not see their weaknesses and moral failures then their light will also go out in society for the kingdom is from generation to generation. Those who only live for their generation dooms the next.
Man is a social creature and must care about society as much as he cares about himself. There is a warning in Isaiah 33:1 for those who spoil and act treacherously with others.Cite error: Closing </ref> missing for <ref> tag to thee that spoilest[1], and thou wast not spoiled; and dealest treacherously[2], and they dealt not treacherously with thee! when thou shalt cease to spoil, thou shalt be spoiled; and when thou shalt make an end to deal treacherously, they shall deal treacherously with thee."</Ref> They are said to not fear the Lord as if they feared the truth and shunned the light of this spirit of God and that light will not shine in him. Isaiah goes on in verses 4 through 8Cite error: Closing </ref> missing for <ref> tag: as the running to and fro of locusts[3] shall he run upon them.
5 The LORD is exalted; for he dwelleth on high: he hath filled Zion with judgment and righteousness.[4]
6 And wisdom and knowledge shall be the stability of thy times, and strength of salvation: the fear[5] of the LORD is his treasure.
7 Behold, their valiant ones shall cry without: the ambassadors of peace shall weep bitterly.
8 The highways lie waste, the wayfaring man ceaseth: he hath broken the covenant, he hath despised the cities, he regardeth[6] no man.</Ref> to explain the principles of creation at work in societies where the people seek the comforts for them self provided of the world and shun the comforter of truth and justice for all.
- "And thorns shall come up in her palaces, nettles and brambles in the fortresses thereof: and it shall be an habitation[7] of dragons[8], [and] a court[9] for owls[10][11]." Isaiah 34:13[12]
Through folklore and even Hollywood tells us there is a dark path that leads to destruction and a path of light less traveled[13] that leads to life.
“Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will...” Yoda
We by nature are gregarious creatures. Grooming is about being controlled by others but they offer something you think you are missing and in desperation you may grab for it. With an unsatisfied need to be engaged with others you may be more vulnerable to predator's grooming and the deception they use.
The liar by nature intends to deceive or mislead. Lying is a form of deception, but not all forms of deception are lies. Lying is giving some information while believing it to be untrue, intending to deceive by doing so.
A lie is not just something that is false but is often encased in the truth, the more truth the better the lie is at deceiving. One of the most common ways to deceive someone is by omitting information from a string of facts even if some of the facts are unrelated to the essence of the lie. They can deny the truth but it is often better to hide it behind shadowy facts that while true are irrelevant or misplaced. Exaggerating information by placing greater value on a fact than is warranted by reason is another tool of a good liar.
“There is nothing more deceptive than an obvious fact.” Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, The Boscombe Valley Mystery
A lie does not need to stand up under scrutiny to obtain the desired control of a groomer. For a lie to be effective it only has to distract you from the whole truth long enough to get you to act upon it.
Suddenly you become the liar and now you can be maneuvered by guilt to defend that which by reason you would no is false. You can be manipulated into believing you are the deceiver, you are the guilty party. Lies are the bricks of your prison but guilt and fear are the mortar.
To return to a place of reason becomes a point of pain we believe by our habits should be avoided. But again we must make peace with the pain that comes to us in life and embrace it, forgive it, bless it and fear it not.
The best propagators of a lie are those who believe what they are saying is true but the best liars are those who are without a conscience.
- "But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; 45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? 47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more [than others]? do not even the publicans so?" Matthew 5:44 see also Luke 6:28 and Romans 12:14.
National vulnerability
Nations can be groomed to become more vulnerable. Nations are people gathered with a commonality. That commonality may include culture and morality, practices and customs of justice and righteousness and mercy.
Nations are made of individuals and individuals are born in the family. Break down the family and you destroy the nation. A war on the family is a war on the nation. The bonds of society feed the nature of society, its strengths and its weaknesses.
A family is composed of the elderly and the new born, those growing to adulthood and those who carry the burdens of the family. It is a multi-age group of individuals in many different stages of development. They are often connected in clans of different families and tribes.
To separate any element of that social network undermines the integrity of the whole social structure. Removing the elderly robs the generations of an opportunity to live beyond the moment. It allows the individual to focus on self rather than selflessness. To remove the children for even a part of their development from the family divides its development as a unit within society. Social Security and public education are social experiments that may eat away at the natural fabric of society.
A society bound by love for one another through a system of charity and choice will produce different social and cultural character in the people than a society bound by contracts, compelled compliance controlled by central authority. In the former the individual must be willing to rule himself and hope for his charity to come back to him.[14]
A man should trust in the spirit of liberty for others or loose liberty for himself and his generations.
If we understand the Ten Commandments we can see they are more like guidelines or guideposts to direct the path of a nation of individuals from generation to generation so that they remain free souls under God.
Trumped up Trust
Why are insecure people more easily manipulated and deceived?
We want to trust people or at least want to know people we feel we can trust. Feelng that there is someone we can trust relieves the fear trapped in our mind. That fear gives leverage to those who would use it to their personal gain.
- "We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversations with people may seem like such a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage and risk." Thomas Moore
Trust is important in any relationship where you will depend upon others for guidance or direction, protection and safety.
- "Trust is the glue of life. It's the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It's the foundational principle that holds all relationships." Stephen Covey
The glue of a trusting relationship dries slowly and if love is there it will be able to be tested over time before you depend to heavily upon it.
- "A blessed thing it is for any man or woman to have a friend, one human soul whom we can trust utterly, who knows the best and worst of us, and who loves us in spite of all our faults." Charles Kingsley
You should never trust someone simply because of what they say. It is not what they say but what they do and that doing must withstand the test of time and close examination. True friendships do not hide nor require secrecy.
It may also require some wisdom to determine if the conversations with people are real. Knowing who is telling us the truth and who is lying is a skill that may only come with time and experience.
That skill is best learned with a variety of people under the experienced tutelage of what has proven itself to be both wise and loving counsel. Without a history of love trust may be a trap waiting its opportunity to snare your heart and mind.
- “It was a mistake,” you said. But the cruel thing was, it felt like the mistake was mine, for trusting you. – David Levithan
There is many things that are both beautiful and true that have been written about friendship but you should remember that it may have been read by the malevolent groomer so that they may use it against you.
"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship." Ralph Waldo Emerson
One common tactic of a groomer is to act hurt suggesting that you do not trust them
"A blessed thing it is for any man or woman to have a friend, one human soul whom we can trust utterly, who knows the best and worst of us, and who loves us in spite of all our faults." Charles Kingsley
- "Speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared with a hot iron;" 1 Timothy 4:2
Narcissists personality may generate or elicit complex and even contradictory emotions. The narcissist use a variety of emotions to keep the victim in a state of fear using extreme acts shock, awe, and guilt and then relieve that trauma with extreme acts of kindness and placation to maintain control.
The greatest deception men suffer is from their own opinions. Leonardo da Vinci
Just as we want companionship we want friends we can trust. The more insecure you are the more vulnerable you will be. The more vulnerable you are the more you will need reassurance. A groomer will play your emotions pulling and pushing to keep you off balance.
Deception is a major transgression that often leads to feelings of betrayal and distrust between relational partners so it is essential the victim defend the lie and be-given the the tools to do so. Defending the lie is shrouded in the delusion that you desired or fostered the relationship and to tell or even see the truth becomes a thing of guilt. Deception violates relational rules and is considered to be a negative violation of expectations but the groomer gets you to believe to tell the truth is betrayal. Truth becomes an object of pain and is avoided and denied and anyone who tries to share the truth becomes your enemy.
Baneful benefits
The fear and shame-based relationships draw people with similar attract trauma together. This leads to forming emotional alliances with others and make enemies of those who are not so inclined.
Estrogen enhances fear while testosterone dulls it influence. Testosterone also increases competitiveness and an aversion to failure seeing fear-avoidance as a weakness. Their desire for confidence may produce a more shame-avoidant behavior in the testosterone dominant.
It is common that vulnerability opposites may attract, personal satisfaction derived from the strengths of others may create depends. If that depends is abused for selfish reasons a destructive relationship may be generated. Mutual empathy comes from mutual respect of both partners and their roll in the bigger picture.
Our generational perspective within history and a larger society can facilitate our transcending of the limits of our own experience of vulnerability and the opposite vulnerabilities in others.
To see the vulnerability of others we must simultaneously see our own. Humility is the skill that gives us an ability to see that which by nature we wish to hide or keep covered.
Social Distancing
core vulnerability is the emotional state that is most dreadful to you, in reaction to which you’ve developed the strongest defenses. Other states of vulnerability are more tolerable if they avoid stimulating your core vulnerability and less bearable when they don't. For most people, either fear (of harm, isolation, deprivation) or shame (of failure) constitutes their core vulnerability.
Participating Practice
“The simple step of a courageous individual is not to take part in the lie." "One word of truth outweighs the world.” Alexadr Solzhentsyn
"The art of pleasing is the art of deception." Luc de Clapiers
"An offended heart is the breeding ground of deception." John Bevere
Habitual Affirmation
A narcissist is a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves.
Someone in love with hisself or herself.
Person full of egoism and pride.
One who shows extreme love and admiration for himself or herself.
Is nationalism a form collective narcissism. Nationalism vs. Patriotism:
Narcissism vs. Self-love
Devotion, especially excessive or undiscriminating devotion, to the interests or culture of a particular nation-state.
n.
The belief that nations will benefit from acting independently rather than collectively, emphasizing national rather than international goals.
n.
The belief that a particular cultural or ethnic group constitutes a distinct people deserving of political self-determination.
Nationalism is an idea and movement that promotes the interests of a particular nation, especially with the aim of gaining and maintaining the nation's sovereignty over its homeland.
Nationalism holds that each nation should govern itself, free from outside interference (self-determination), that a nation is a natural and ideal basis for a polity and ...
- ↑ 07703 שָׁדַד shadad [shaw-dad’] a primitive root; v; [BDB-994a] [{See TWOT on 2331 }] AV-spoil 30, spoiler 11, waste 8, destroy 2, robbers 2, misc 5; 58
- 1) to deal violently with, despoil, devastate, ruin, destroy, spoil
- 1a) (Qal)
- 1a1) to violently destroy, devastate, despoil, assail
- 1a2) devastator, despoiler (participle) (subst)
- 1b) (Niphal) to be utterly ruined
- 1c) (Piel)
- 1c1) to assault
- 1c2) to devastate
- 1d) (Pual) to be devastated
- 1e) (Poel) to violently destroy
- 1f) (Hophal) to be devastated
- 1a) (Qal)
- 1) to deal violently with, despoil, devastate, ruin, destroy, spoil
- ↑ 0898 ^דגב^ bagad \@baw-gad’\@ a primitive root also translated garment with number 0899; v; AV-treacherously 23, transgressor 10, transgress 3, deceitfully 2, treacherous dealer 3, treacherous 2, very 2 (inf. for emphasis), unfaithful man 1, treacherous men 1, offend 1, unfaithfully 1; 49
- 1) to act treacherously, deceitfully, deal treacherously
- 1a) (Qal) to act or deal treacherously, faithlessly, deceitfully, offend
- 1) to act treacherously, deceitfully, deal treacherously
- ↑ 01357 גֵּב geb [gabe] Gimel Beit probably from 01461 a husbandman or plowman like Cain who tilled the adamah [compare 01462 a grasshopper or ]; n m; [BDB-146b] [{See TWOT on 304 @@ "304a" }] AV-locust 1; 1
- 1) locust
- ↑ 06666 ^הקדצ^ tsᵉdaqah \@tsed-aw-kaw’\@ from 06663; n f; AV-righteousness 128, justice 15, right 9, righteous acts 3, moderately 1, righteously 1; 157
- 1) justice, righteousness
- 1a) righteousness (in government)
- 1a1) of judge, ruler, king
- 1a2) of law
- 1a3) of Davidic king Messiah
- 1b) righteousness (of God’s attribute)
- 1c) righteousness (in a case or cause)
- 1d) righteousness, truthfulness
- 1e) righteousness (as ethically right)
- 1f) righteousness (as vindicated), justification, salvation
- 1f1) of God
- 1f2) prosperity (of people)
- 1g) righteous acts
- 1a) righteousness (in government)
- 1) justice, righteousness
- ↑ 03374 יִרְאָה yir’ah [yir-aw’] from 03373; n f; [BDB-432a] [{See TWOT on 907 @@ "907b" }] AV-fear 41, exceedingly + 01419 2, dreadful 1, fearfulness 1; 45
- 1) fear, terror, fearing
- 1a) fear, terror
- 1b) awesome or terrifying thing (object causing fear)
- 1c) fear (of God), respect, reverence, piety
- 1d) revered
- 1) fear, terror, fearing
- ↑ 02803 חָשַׁב chashab [khaw-shab’] a primitive root; v; [BDB-362b] [{See TWOT on 767 }]
AV-count 23, devise 22, think 18, imagine 9, cunning 8, reckon 7, purpose 6, esteem 6, account 5, impute 4, forecast 2, regard 2, workman 2, conceived 1, misc 9; 124
- 1) to think, plan, esteem, calculate, invent, make a judgment, imagine, count
- 1a) (Qal)
- 1a1) to think, account
- 1a2) to plan, devise, mean
- 1a3) to charge, impute, reckon
- 1a4) to esteem, value, regard
- 1a5) to invent
- 1b) (Niphal)
- 1b1) to be accounted, be thought, be esteemed
- 1b2) to be computed, be reckoned
- 1b3) to be imputed
- 1c) (Piel)
- 1c1) to think upon, consider, be mindful of
- 1c2) to think to do, devise, plan
- 1c3) to count, reckon
- 1d) (Hithpael) to be considered
- 1a) (Qal)
- See Urim and Thummim
- 1) to think, plan, esteem, calculate, invent, make a judgment, imagine, count
- ↑ 05116 נָוֶה naveh [naw-veh’] NunVavHey or (fem.)נוה navah [naw-vaw’] from 05115 to keep; n m/adj; [BDB-627b] {See TWOT on 1322 @@ "1322a"} {See TWOT on 1322 @@ "1322b"} {See TWOT on 1322 @@ "1322c"} AV-habitation 22, fold 4, dwelling 3, sheepcote 2, comely 1, stable 1, dwelling place 1, pleasant place 1, tarried 1; 36 n m
- 1) abode, habitation, abode of shepherds or flocks, pasture
- 1a) abode (of sheep)
- 1b) abode (of shepherds)
- 1c) meadow
- 1d) habitation
- adj
- 2) dwelling, abiding
- 1) abode, habitation, abode of shepherds or flocks, pasture
- ↑ 08577 תַּנִּין TavNunYodNun tanniyn [tan-neen’] orתנים tanniym (#Eze 29:3) [tan-neem’]intensive from the same as 08565; n m; [BDB-1072b] {See TWOT on 2528 @@ "2528b"} AV-dragon 21, serpent 3, whale 3, sea monster 1; 28
- 1) dragon, whale, sea monster, serpent
- 1a) dragon or dinosaur, maybe the extinct dinosaur the plesiosaurus
- 1b) sea or river monster
- 1c) serpent, venomous snake
- 1) dragon, whale, sea monster, serpent
- ↑ 02681 ^ריצח^ chatsiyr \@khaw-tseer’\@ a collateral form of 02691; n m; {See TWOT on 723 @@ "723b"} AV-court 1; 1
- 1) a dwelling, an abode, settled abode, haunt
- ↑ 01323 בַּת bath [bath] from 01129 and 01121; n f; [BDB-123a] {See TWOT on 254 @@ "254b"} AV-daughter 526, town 32, village 12, owl + 03284 8, first 3, apple 1, branches 1, children 1, company 1, daughter + 08676 1, eye 1, old 1; 588
- 1) daughter
- 1a) daughter, girl, adopted daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, granddaughters, female child, cousin
- 1a1) as polite address
- 1a2) as designation of women of a particular place
- 1a3) as personification
- 1a4) daughter-villages
- 1a5) description of character
- 1a) daughter, girl, adopted daughter, daughter-in-law, sister, granddaughters, female child, cousin
- 2) young women, women
- 1) daughter
- ↑ 03284 יַעֲנָה ya‘anah [yah-an-aw’] from 03283; n f; [BDB-419a] {See TWOT on 884 @@ "884b"} AV-owl 8; 8
- 1) an unclean bird
- 1a) owl, ostrich, literally translated as "daughters of the owl"
- 1b) perhaps an extinct bird, exact meaning unknown
- 1) an unclean bird
- ↑ Isaiah 34:13 And thorns <05518> shall come up <05927> (8804) in her palaces <0759>, nettles <07057> and brambles <02336> in the fortresses <04013> thereof: and it shall be an habitation <05116> of dragons <08577>, [and] a court <02681> for owls <01323> <03284>.
- ↑ “Two roads diverged in a wood and I – I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference”– Robert Frost
- ↑ Ecclesiastes 11:1 Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days.
- Proverbs 11:18 ¶ The wicked worketh a deceitful work: but to him that soweth righteousness [shall be] a sure reward.
- Proverbs 19:17 ¶ He that hath pity upon the poor lendeth unto the LORD; and that which he hath given will he pay him again.
- Proverbs 11:24 ¶ There is that scattereth, and yet increaseth; and [there is] that withholdeth more than is meet, but [it tendeth] to poverty. 25 ¶ The liberal soul shall be made fat: and he that watereth shall be watered also himself.
- Proverbs 22:9 ¶ He that hath a bountiful eye shall be blessed; for he giveth of his bread to the poor.